"If you work harder, you will get luckier" per Anita Sarawak dictum.

已经很久没写了, 今晚又再想起我们以前的种种. 理想把我们系在一起, 但理想也把我们给分开. 年纪越大, 感慨就越多. 我曾经写过"原来我是可以哭着醒来".......他们总以为我是很乐观的, 孰不知我本来就很容易伤感. 一点点的事故, 都可以让我伤心一整天. 你们总是笑我多愁善感, 可是你们自己还不是一样? 我们总是带着面具, 人前人后两个样. 人们都说戏子无情, 可是我们却是多情种, 可能是因为这样, 所以我们都待不了这圈子吧? 你们离去也有十年了, 可我的心还是跟十年前一样. 多希望十年前我就消失, 也不必这样孤单了...........

everyday is a brand new challenge. even we still will meet the same group of people, but the unexpected is always exist. everyday we read news, because there is always something new for us to read as news. isn't life is wonderful?

spoon feeding, is not a new term that invented yesterday. in dictionary, it merely represents a word. in life, it is a norm, or more accurately, it is a culture. it is rooted since the day i was undergone education, from elementary to tertiary level.

this culture, for me, had made me fend for the elder to provide everything for me, anything at all. what you sow is what you reap, as the saying goes. i was so lost when i first made my step to university. i was alone, a few hundred kilometers from home. even friends were around, but in the end of the day, i still have to manage my own business. i was alike a new born baby, everything was so new to me by that time. that was the first time in my life to wash my clothing, my first time to sleep until missed the class, and the rest.

everything seems so fine until the first day of first lesson. the professor never supply any note, but indeed projected a few slides of books, journals, references, my God, there were almost a hundred of them. after we had jotted down the lists, the prof started his story. i was as if in mist at that material time, million of questions popped up in my mind, why the prof did not distribute any note? why the prof did not take attendance? why the prof never explain the purpose of the list? why the prof did not tell us how to study this subject? why the prof gave the assignment but never show us the format, method, approach, reference books, websites, or any relevant methodology to do it? all sort of questions revolving my mind but i reached to no answer.

one assignment, but there was only one question, what the hack? duration for this assignment is one month? what? just to prove one equation? so simple? one month? my mind, at that moment, only full of question marks.

i tried all sort of ways that my bird brain could think of to solve the question. the result is obvious, i failed. out of options, i have to forgo my pride and dignity, there is only one way to overcome the issue, i must go for consultation. as expected, i was scolded, humiliated, laughed and teased.

the only way to solve the question, was to read and read and read a lot of reference books, access to a lot of journals, visited to a lot of websites, consulted a lot of helpful seniors and professors. every step in the solutions, in actual case is representing a phase change in atomic structure. all these were really eyes opening and shocked to me at that time. i never realize that each of the mathematical steps were actually representing something happening during the phase changed. behind the steps, there were so much of theories and concept that i needed to understand before i works out the solution. God, this was so astonishing!

the previous culture really put me in serious trouble, the spoon feeding system. i love the system so much during my golden schooling life. everything was well prepared, i just need to follow the procedures and the way or the steps, then guarantee i will obtain my result. "A" is always in palm without much effort. but, everything changed, from heaven to hell, when i was there. no one will prepare anything for you, non at all. hoping for a lending hand? only in your own sweet dream. from library search to consultation, i had to fend for myself, friends can only contribute ideas as they have their own assignments to take care of. presentation goes public, any passer by can project a question to you, and it is expected that you must answer the question that pointed to you. imagine you were not well prepared, the outcome? you think of it.

at the early stage, i was so down and lost. i hated the professors. they were cruel, mean, sarcastic and bestial. we are new, so why want to treat us like that? we are fresh, so why not show some sympathy? we are young, so why not give us some guidelines? provide nothing but ask for everything, what they think we are? why the scholarship holders not deserving any privilege? why everyone is treated equally and same? why i can't choose my own members but to assign to the "noob" group? why am i burning candle at both ends but the rest just enjoying a happy joyride? it is not fair, at all.

thanks to God, i didn't take a long time to realize that i am the one that actually acted childish and "noob". everyone is unique and good in something, there is no one who is perfect. simple thing as library search, sounds like it is very easy, but indeed, if you were newbie, you will lose in library, there are so many sections and subsections, without the proper knowledge and experience, you will ended up spending whole day in library without finding the journal or book that you are seeking for. when you solving the question, if your understanding is not strong and thorough, or worse if you misconception, you will never ever be able to solve the problem. we learn from each other when we are in group, and we help each other out.

from hate, i started to love my professors. they made us realize that in real life, everyone has to depend on each other, and learn from each other. they make us realize that spoon feeding method will never bring us to achieve greater success, and never bring us to true understanding. there is no issue of racist, no issue of smart or stupid, but the issue of diligent or idleness. study days and nights will not guarantee the success, but only true understanding can bring you to the higher level, and higher joy, higher achievement and higher confidence.

study with quality, not study with quantity.